Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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