Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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