there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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