Best friends brother. Beat that.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
