I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
God, I missed his penis.
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