it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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