He is such a slut. More and more my type.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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