he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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