This is not my ceiling
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
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I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
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My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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