morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
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I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
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My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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