my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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