I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
