He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Blood and glitter go together right?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
