You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize