So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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