She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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