tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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