i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
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You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
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Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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