One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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