Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
