I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
