She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
