Your dad touched me again.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
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It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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