Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
