I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
