My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You have to summon your inner elephant
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
