I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
