I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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