I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
