I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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