Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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