I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
