awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
