i need an iv and a liver transplant
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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