My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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