Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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