I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I currently don't understand fingers.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
