Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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