Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
