Moan for me like Helen Keller
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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