Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We need to rekindle our bromance
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
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He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
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Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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