they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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