hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
