I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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