i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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