do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
