My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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