Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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