you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
