I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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