I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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