Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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