thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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