Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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