and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
