i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
and she was petting her beer can
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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