I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
