Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
