I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
